Reagan For President in 2016? It Could Happen!

An analysis and investigation of the intelligence and qualifications of recent Republican presidential incumbents and nominees has led investigators to the startling discovery that if Mitt Romney fails in his 2012 bid for the White House, the GOP will disinter and spruce up Ronald Reagan for a 2016 run for the Oval Office. Our staff of investigators has determined that it is misinterpretations of leaked aspects of these secret plans that have given rise to rumors of a coming “Zombie Apocalypse”.

Sources close to the secret 2016 Presidential Planning Commission, when questioned about term limits, have indicated that they believe that the existence of a death certificate plus a library of old movies will enable them to reinvent the 40th president as George Gipp, the character portrayed by Reagan in the 1940 film, “Knute Rockne All American”.

When asked about Gipp’s lack of a political background, insiders have indicated that the Koch brothers and other wealthy élite are prepared to spend hundreds of millions of dollars flooding the media with tales of Gipps political adventures. “If you throw enough mud at the wall,” investigators were told, “some of it will stick.”

Additional sources have indicated that a separate committee is developing the technologies necessary to complete the reanimation and endow the candidate with the powers of mobility and speech. “He will be really high tech; on board cameras and real time audio from a control room that is being constructed in the same secret facility that Dick Cheney used for his disappearances. This is a great thing and will expedite the governing process because now the decisions can come directly from the puppet masters without the President having to take time to consult with them in private. We’re talking about the next generation of government here.  Except for the gawky red hair, this guy will look as real as you or I.”

Investigators looking into funding sources have determined that the Reanimate Reagan project is being funded under the auspices of a cluster of humanitarian charities and false front “green” development companies that have afforded investors both tax incentives and a tax shelter.

 

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